Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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