I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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