I wish I only lived at night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
