M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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