Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
why does every cop we meet know your name?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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