franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
