I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
