i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
