Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
