Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
