Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
