Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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