Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
