I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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