Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
