I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize