You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
