my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
