you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
