the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
