he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drunk is a universal language darling
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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