she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
