you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
