i was born a porn star she said
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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