I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We left the knife in your bed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
