Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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