We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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