The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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