we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
