u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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