what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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