Don't you send me to vm
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
