I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
