I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just puked most of my soul out..
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