id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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