Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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