my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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