Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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