It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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