you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
