I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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