he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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