If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
