It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Randomize
