Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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