i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
