Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
