she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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