I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
