i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize