Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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