My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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