An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
