Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
