He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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