so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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