dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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