Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
