is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize