the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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