bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
