I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
