then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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